The Learning Curve
© copyright, lyri March 2000

When I was in Junior High School, I was in an advanced math class, and the work was really tough. We were doing college algebra, and calculus by the end of the 7th Grade. I had to study alot, because at times I struggled with what the concepts behind the functions were. I understood x+3=7 and how to get the solution, but when it came to things like quadratic equations, geometric applications of algebraic formulas, and most especially logrithims, I struggled. Sometimes, when I finally understood the concept it was almost like a lightbulb going on, and then I would just look at it and wonder how I didn't see it before. It was so simple, and yet it was just out of grasp for so long.

Today, I read on a Gorean Board the story of a man who was struggling with the concept of Gaming vs Real Gor. And I had to smile, because I've been in his shoes, so to speak. I looked at his words about cyber killing, and saw the frustration he felt as he struggled to figure out why it wasn't acceptable to those who live Gor offline. And I remembered how not too long ago, I railed in frustration at not being allowed to do many online serves. Using my favorite sounding board, ra_lana_Ah, I remember arguing with her over and over, that if we don't get to serve, dance, do scenes, etc. Then what are we here for?

I remember struggling with it, as she told me that slaves aren't here for anything other than because the men allow us to be, and we should just be grateful for it. I remember well, the bitterness I felt as I decided that concept sucked. And I argued with her that Gor wouldn't be Gor without slaves. I was fighting the changes within myself, as well as feeling frustration that one of the ways I got to express myself and create these beautiful pictures with words was being taken away.

I don't know when the realization finally hit, but I do remember that same *lightbulb* feeling that I used to get working those complicated math formulas. When I finally knew that I wasn't necessary here, and yes, it was hard to accept. It's part of that "I want to be needed" feeling that is a part of my make up, and it was partly vanity as well. I had always received so much praise for those beautifully detailed serves and dances. It was a stroke to my ego, and it felt good inside to hear.

That's when the lightbulb came into play. Because I wasn't thinking only of those I was serving. I was also thinking of myself. I didn't want to change because then I wouldn't have the pleasure of expressing myself. Then, a funny, sort of oxymoronish (I don't know if that's a word, so, I made it up...lol) thing sort of happened. I began to get frustrated at serving all the time and never having any of the Masters talk to me afterwards. It was always a serve and then a "good job" and then "return to the furs". I thought I was doing something wrong. Wasn't I pleasing? Wasn't I worth getting to know?

It was about this time that one of the Master's in a room I was in, stopped a serve I was about to do for another Master, and asked that Master what his purpose was in having me serve him. He then went on to demonstrate a point, which at the time, I admit, I didn't really get, but I thought about for days, even weeks afterwards. His point was that, this Master asked me to serve him as a means to "get to know me better". But, the Master who stopped my serve made his point effectively by asking me how many times I thought I had served since I'd been in online Gor. The answer came out to be somewhere around 500 times. And when asked how many of those times a Master had actually talked to me after the serve, getting to know me, I had to admit there were only around 5 who had done so. And it shook me up, because that is alot of serving.

I look at things differently in a way though, because I still think that those serves did have a purpose. I was pleasing the men and women I had served with the pictures my words created. And yet there was this sort of empty feeling inside, because I was never spoken to afterwards that I was basically doing "activity without purpose", which is a concept that I find I have no use for. I used to laugh it off, telling myself that the reason I was always sent back to the furs was because those I served just didn't know what to do with a girl once they got her there, but I didn't really believe that. Instead, my subconscious did the mind twist, making me feel pretty rotten that I wasn't worth getting to know.

Then, I went to a different world, so to speak. I will never forget the first time I went to the SilkandSteel. I was terrified. I had heard so many horror stories about these men, how cruel they were, how mean. But, I had read their words so many times, on the boards, in the Gorean Voice, and I really wanted to find out what it was that made them so different. So, I went, and yes, I was scared. Not so much of the men, I do have this reality check system that tells me it's a computer and I do know where the off switch is. I was afraid of failing.

Then, I got the biggest surprise of my life. I was messaged by an OP. He didn't want to cyber, have me serve him drinks, dance for him, or scene. He talked to me, for 3 hours. That was it. Asking me questions, and allowing me to ask some in return. There was no sexual innuendo, no cybering, and yet I felt this unmistakable feeling deep inside. I wanted to beg to serve him. Not online, not with words, I wanted so much to be allowed to meet the man who created this feeling with just his words. He didn't have to dress them up with adjectives, or make them flow into a meaningful scene. All he did, was talk.

The changes that began long before meeting him came full circle that day. Suddenly, everything ra_lana_Ah had told me made so much sense. Not just that it wasn't about me, but that there was a difference between playing Gor, and living Gor. I saw it in that Master's words. I felt it inside, something shifted into place and I knew that I could never again find satisfaction in the online only, gaming aspect of Gor. It became the difference between roleplay and simulation. Suddenly Gor was real.

As I read the words of the Master on the board who posted that he understood now the difference, I smiled, remembering those old days, when I fought changing from the game to the reality. Having it become real makes it harder, and takes away the possibility of turning back. I realized as well that it didn't all come in one big rush of knowledge. It built up, step by step. One thing or another would become a reality and then it built over time. First it was really small things, Then larger concepts, more of the philosophy started to make sense, less of the gaming did. It's funny, now I can look back and see where different areas began to change in my thought patterns, points that weren't clear then are now recognizable to me.

I suspect that my learning curve has only just begun. This new path is so much harder than the last one. It's longer and less defined. I know I'm going to struggle and fight myself as I work my way along it, and I've heard from others who went before me that it's normal to do that. It makes the journey so much more satisfying. I compare it to climbing a mountain. When you're aching, and you have blisters, and all you want to do is go back the way you came, but you keep going upwards until you stand on the peak filled with exhiliration as you take in the panorama surrounding you. The trip is worth the effort, even when you see the next mountain looming.

Thoughts
[Learning Curve] [Natural Order] [La Kajira!] [Ownership] [My Sisters] [Making a Kajira] [Coping] [Modern Woman] [Psychological Impact] [Limits] [Mother vs. Slave] [The Stray] [Trappings] [What is your purpose?] [Conscious Thought] [Love?] [Confessions of failure] [Environmental Impact] [The Political side of Slavery] [The Last Decision] [Gratitude] [Service with a smile] [Exactly what you want to be] [Reflections in warm honey] [Patience is a virtue] [Thank you, Master] [Almost There] [Unowned and Unmastered] [Isn't it Ironic?] [The Value of Fiction] ["Did I scare you off?"] [What no one wants to Hear] [What they gave him] [In Harms Way] [The Bell Curve and Slavery] [Slavery Without a Net] [Surrender Is] [Observations of the Impact] [Imposing Limits] [She Was a Slave: by avie] [Romantic, Forced, and Consensual Slavery] [The Last Time]

I moved the Poetry and Short Stories to a new location. If you wish to read them, click here: [Poetry and Short Stories]